Vodka, .357s, and God

I’m not sorry for this post, even though I know some of you will feel like I’m preaching and you will rage against my words so that you can ignore the message. That’s okay. I feel Compelled to write it, and it’s my blog so I will.

My mom is a drunk. She’s been Hell bent on destroying herself for most of her life. This woman has had a blood alcohol high enough to be in a coma and remember the events of the night clearly. She’s drunk rubbing alcohol and Listerine, had blackouts, seizures, been in jail, been held against her will for psychiatric evaluations, been homeless, had everything including her shoes and dentures stolen, puked blood, tried to inject herself with Valium from rusty needles when she couldn’t get booze, slit her wrists, downed pills, and put a gun in her mouth and pulled the trigger. Twice. And more. Yet she lives. Why? Because God loves her. He told her so.

When I was 19, she was living in my aunt’s guest house. She got drunk one night and put her .357 in her mouth and pulled the trigger. Click. Really? Try again. Click. Really? Point gun at ceiling and pull the trigger. BOOM! “Why, God? Why won’t you let me die?” She cried. Because I love you, was the Response. She Heard it. Sadly, it brings her no peace. Instead she broke down even more, feeling completely undeserving of that Love. Incidentally, she told my aunt she had DTs and was shooting at a lizard. You may doubt that God spoke to her that night. You may not believe that God works that way. You may not be able to see past her drunkenness and choose to believe she imagined it. She’s imagined plenty of things, but that wasn’t one of them.

I am not sharing this story with you for me or for her. I’m sharing it for you. Like I said, I feel Compelled to share it. And I know that some of you out there need to hear it. God loves you, even if you don’t feel worthy of it, and even if you hate God because evil exists. I’m not venturing into religion here, I could care less. Personally, I think God could care less, too. What you need to know is that God loves you, even when you can’t love yourself.

15 comments

  1. No arguments here. Thank you for sharing this story and your thoughts on it. I actually chuckled, because I have seen such things as well.

  2. Whoa. This cuts right to the bone. I’m she’ll shocked over here. And grateful to be sober and not have my kid see me as an active drunk. There but for the grace of gods go I. You are awe inspiring in more ways each day, lady. How are you so well adjusted?

    • Ha! I’m not really. I’m just super good at faking semi-normal. You, my dear, are the inspiring one, the remarkable one. You are sober. Today and every day for ten years and a half years. ❤

  3. […] and she’s funny too. She posted briefly, pointedly and succinctly the other day about her alcoholic mother  and the numerous violent and unsuccessful attempts her mother has made on her own life. I read […]

  4. Doesn’t make sense does it? A lotta life doesn’t, but then as you say, just accept the part about being loved. The message will get to whoever it’s meant to get to. Thanks for sharing it. Powerful stuff.

  5. Damn, girl. Addiction is such a horrific thing to live with and growing up like that had to be so hard. My heart goes out to you and to her, and to all of us battling this monster in one way or another. xoxo

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