Yesterday I did a really bad thing. I was immediately sorry for it, but I can’t undo it.
I’ve been reading all the blog responses about Steubenville. I knew what had transpired because of the many recaps on the many, many angry posts about it. I knew all I needed to know. I should have left well enough alone. One of the posts linked the the video. I argued with myself and thought, wrongly or rightly that I should witness that horror, that somehow I would be supporting that girl or showing solidarity, holding her hand viturally, being there.
I only got through a couple of minutes. Someone very close to me, who I love very much, told me, “I was raped but it was my fault. I was drunk and I passed out.” She was also raped by a close friend on another occasion. It’s not her fault dammit!!! I couldn’t watch it. It reminded me too much of her and others I know raped while they were passed out.
Why do we bear this torch when what we should do is beat the holy fuck out of rapists? Male and female. Because women do rape and men do get raped, too. I’m so so so so so disgusted. If that boy were my son I would beat him within an inch of his life until he begged for mercy. I would. But, I’m that kind of person. I was raised to “take no shit from anyone.” My dad taught me how to kill someone with a lollypop, among other things.
I’m kind of over this kinder and gentler bullshit. I wasn’t raised to consider spanking as a violent act. It can be an act of love, too. Oh, I know. Controversial. Whatever. It’s called discipline. Watch animals with their feisty little ones. Dogs, cats, cows. The young ones get to an age where they start being buttheads and mom puts the smack down. As my dad said, “pain is an effective motivator.” Pain tells you something is wrong. The degree of wrongness is proportional to the degree of pain. That’s why I would beat his ass so bad.
People are going to mess up. Pain serves to make sure they don’t make the same mistake again. Sometimes we punish ourselves (guilt). Sometimes others punish us (parental discipline, jail time). Sometimes there is no punishment (got away with it, woo hoo). This last is very dangerous. Very dangerous indeed. Each time you get away with something, you get a little thrill, right? You might feel guilty at first, but then you don’t get caught. Now you’ve got what you wanted without repercussions and you want to do it again. It may be lying, speeding, or sneaking food out of the cupboard. Raping.
You need to understand that your failure to discipline your child is creating a monster. Your little darling who doesn’t get so much as a slap on the wrist is not learning to self discipline. He or she is not learning about shame and never feels any guilt. I grew up with those people. Male and female. Boys might grow up taking what they want, including women. Girls grow up manipulating to get what they want, including men. Bullies.
This issue is greater than teaching not to rape and the meaning of consent. This issue is fundamentally what is wrong with our society. It’s not just a rape culture, it’s a get what you want however you can when you want it without guilt or shame culture. A have it now nothing in moderation all or nothing kind of culture. A power-mad totem pole climbing beat down rip the throats out of the weak feather the nest with the right things culture. It’s a culture that punishes the poor the homely the unique the flatterers only the top 15% of the bell curve culture. An everyone’s a winner, everyone’s ideas are good, everyone’s opinions are equal, everyone’s the same culture. A keep your opinions to yourself, keep your mouth shut, live and let live culture. Could we be a little more confused?
That boy laughed. He laughed so hard he couldn’t speak. It wasn’t alcohol. It wasn’t that he didn’t know better. It wasn’t because he was just a hormonal boy who made a bad decision. He didn’t care. He’s a sociopath. Wake up people, you are raising SOCIOPATHS. Our moral fiber is so corrupt we encourage sociopathic behavior in children under the adage that “they’re only children, after all.” Childhood is a time to mess up and act like a sociopath, and our job as parents is to correct it, not just assume they will grow out of it, ffs.
Look at this list from the above link:
- Callous unconcern for the feelings of others;
- Gross and persistent attitude of irresponsibility and disregard for social norms, rules, and obligations;
- Incapacity to maintain enduring relationships, though having no difficulty in establishing them;
- Very low tolerance to frustration and a low threshold for discharge of aggression, including violence;
- Incapacity to experience guilt or to profit from experience, particularly punishment;
- Markedly prone to blame others or to offer plausible rationalizations for the behavior that has brought the person into conflict with society.
You know what that sounds like to me? A typical toddler. That’s what. You’re not supposed to let them get away with those behaviors! I know you do it. Not all of you, but plenty.
Here’s how it is supposed to go:
- bad behavior
- if bad behavior happens again, discipline
Period. Otherwise you’re just raising a future criminal. A person who finds a wallet and keeps the money. A person who drinks and drives. A person who steals for fun. A person who runs over cats. A person who rapes. You can’t expect your children to raise themselves.
There’s another side to that discipline coin, and that’s overdoing it. Someone, I cannot remember who–a child psychologist I think–said children can’t never get their way, either. Sometimes you have to give them what they want. That’s true, too. I’m not saying to go overboard on the punishments; second chances are excellent. If your children are cowed by you, if they are afraid to speak up to you, if they can’t come to you about anything, how can you expect them to speak up for themselves or others?