I Ruin All the Things

I ruin everything. I kill jokes. I break the flow. It’s a talent and a penchant. If people are balls of yarn, I’m a tangled, hopeless mess. I picked the wrong people to copy so many times I only know who I don’t want to be.  “Get a sense of humor.”  “Get over it.”  “You’re too passionate.”  “Get a personality.”  “You’re so judgemental.”  “Lighten up.”  “Sweet.”  “The nicest person I know.” “Super sweet.”  Be someone else…  is the message I take from these ever so helpful bits of information.  If only someone would tell me exactly what it is I need to fix I’d know whether I need want to or not.  I say all the wrong things.  Social situations tax me and leave me so drained I shake from trying so hard.  I’ve tried to nurture so many friendships only for people to slowly back away and back off and begin to ignore me, and I swear I only pulled a knife once.  Kidding.  I know sometimes I’ll have a thought, something I need to say and if I don’t it eats and eats and eats away at me.  So I say it or write it.  Sometimes these things are in direct opposition to something someone else believes.  I never ever say “you’re wrong, I’m right,” I just have to say it.  That gets me pegged as judgemental and sanctimommyish.  The only message I can take is that those people love me so little as a person they cannot do me the courtesy of telling me what I messed up.  People stopped being honest with me in high school.  I guess if you don’t figure it out fully by high school because fuck you that’s why.  So here I am a fucked up tangled ball of emotions and thoughts, that most people just don’t get even when I try to explain it, who lacks a sense of humor, a personality, judgement, social graces, is super sweet, but too passionate for her own good trying to raise four healthy daughters and feeling like a failure and still trying to decide which mom I can stomach to emulate to try to get it right. There are a few people who stick around and seem to put up with me, but I’m not anyone’s BFF or number one on anyone’s speed dial.  No one asks me for advice and if they do they’re sorry but they won’t say why.  I have moms who tactfully say they are glad our children play so nicely together.  But no one will say to me, ” girl to girl…” And for my part, I am totally clueless as to whether you like me or you’re just being nice. I’m okay with me.  I try to do what’s right, even if it’s hard.  I try to be helpful when I can, but I do have and know limits.  I try to find good in people.  I love animals and babies.  But still, there is something about me…I’m not worthy of the time, and it’s really fucking lonely over here.

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