Skinny Jeans: Tubes of Self Loathing

Skinny jeans are evil things created by evil people who have madly distorted perceptions of beauty. You can only wear them well if you are stick thin and lack curves. Like twelve-year-old boys. So, the fashion world is populated by pedophiles. Or people threatened by sensuality, femininity, or masculinity. Which reminds me: males, stop wearing skinny jeans. You look ridiculous.

It’s hard to find jeans that aren’t skinny jeans these days. Even if I were skinny right now, my skinny is not a shape that fits into skinny jeans. When I was skinny, I would buy them to fit my hips and thighs and they would hang loose at the waist. I felt fat, even though I wasn’t. Skinny jeans give you bulges unless you have an unhealthy lack of body fat or buy them big, which sort of distorts the purpose.

My eldest daughter is built like me. We’re not built like models. Most clothing manufacturers even seem to think toddlers are supposed to be skinny. I had to buy her a size up and roll the cuffs. Osh Kosh was the worst offender, I just refused to buy their clothes. We still have trouble finding her jeans. She fits in skinny jeans, but dislikes how they restrict her movement and 9 out of 10 pairs are skinny style. Right now she is a perfect size 0. She’s 10. Come on! Yes she is a beautiful, healthy pre-pubescent 10-year-old. Like I said. Pedophiles.

My girl chooses comfort and functionality over fashion fads. Good for her. And good for DH and I, too. Because she’s an athlete and not exposed much to pop culture or fashion forward dressing, she has no issues with her body. Yet. Please, may this last for a few more years. She’s 10, I shouldn’t have to pray for my child to be a child and not a miniature adult. No one should, it should just be. Shame, shame, shame on the cultural machine that is destroying childhood.

Note: I started this post with the intention of making fun of skinny jeans. Clearly, I digressed.



  1. My husband is a 31×38 and even he looks horrid in skinny jeans! I struggle to find jeans that my 5 year old can wear that stay up-they are not made for children’s bodies anymore. I agree-this trend needs to go!

  2. I bought some Levis Curve ID jeans that are really good for me (a person with a non-traditional shape). You might try their site out for you and your daughter.

  3. I have a very pronounced sway back – the small of my back is very indented and then my… rear end… curves out a lot. I also have an apparently disproportionatly small waist compared to my hips (I say apparently because it has always been hard to find pants that fit in the waist if they fit in the hips). I have had very good luck with White House/Black Market in finding jeans that fit my shape. I had settled for taking my pants and jeans to a tailor to have them altered in the waist so I wouldn’t have the dreaded back gap (the cost is so worth it!) but I have bought three pairs of jeans from White House Black Market in the last few months and have not had to have them altered (except for hemming)! If you can get to one near you I recommend trying a few pairs, I have never been happier with jeans than I have been with the ones I have bought from them.

  4. I HATE that anyone makes skinny jeans for preschoolers and toddlers. WHY? My boys couldn’t care less about what their jeans look like, but they don’t like being constricted or having the legs too long. Kids’ skinny jeans are made for moms, and I think that’s sad.

  5. I like the word miniature; the most irritating part starts when a 25 years old dude fails to cover enough of his hairy back due to his tight outfit. for me comfort is important… and yeah, I hate the concept of size 0…

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