Skinny Jeans: Tubes of Self Loathing

Skinny jeans are evil things created by evil people who have madly distorted perceptions of beauty. You can only wear them well if you are stick thin and lack curves. Like twelve-year-old boys. So, the fashion world is populated by pedophiles. Or people threatened by sensuality, femininity, or masculinity. Which reminds me: males, stop wearing skinny jeans. You look ridiculous.

It’s hard to find jeans that aren’t skinny jeans these days. Even if I were skinny right now, my skinny is not a shape that fits into skinny jeans. When I was skinny, I would buy them to fit my hips and thighs and they would hang loose at the waist. I felt fat, even though I wasn’t. Skinny jeans give you bulges unless you have an unhealthy lack of body fat or buy them big, which sort of distorts the purpose.

My eldest daughter is built like me. We’re not built like models. Most clothing manufacturers even seem to think toddlers are supposed to be skinny. I had to buy her a size up and roll the cuffs. Osh Kosh was the worst offender, I just refused to buy their clothes. We still have trouble finding her jeans. She fits in skinny jeans, but dislikes how they restrict her movement and 9 out of 10 pairs are skinny style. Right now she is a perfect size 0. She’s 10. Come on! Yes she is a beautiful, healthy pre-pubescent 10-year-old. Like I said. Pedophiles.

My girl chooses comfort and functionality over fashion fads. Good for her. And good for DH and I, too. Because she’s an athlete and not exposed much to pop culture or fashion forward dressing, she has no issues with her body. Yet. Please, may this last for a few more years. She’s 10, I shouldn’t have to pray for my child to be a child and not a miniature adult. No one should, it should just be. Shame, shame, shame on the cultural machine that is destroying childhood.

Note: I started this post with the intention of making fun of skinny jeans. Clearly, I digressed.

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